ERIN - Rapid City, SD

I’ve found that it is often hard to know what to say or do when someone you care about is grieving. You may be plagued with the fear of intruding, saying the wrong thing, or making them feel even worse. Or you may feel there’s nothing you can do to make things better. It's true that you can’t take away the pain of the loss, however, you can provide much-needed comfort and support. There are many ways to help a friend or family member when they are grieving, starting with simply letting them know you care.


We were honored to have an opportunity like this today.  Although we had never met  Erin, Tyler, and Ava before this evening, they are part of our fire family. 




Ryder, Tyler, Erin, Ava, Shiloh, Juliann, Choice, Tate, and Mary Lou

On July 30, 2015 (a little over a month ago), their world was drastically changed forever.  With a story that is painfully similar to ours, they lost their husband and father in a horrific wildland firefighting tragedy.  Erin's husband, David, heroically served his community and paid the ultimate sacrifice, perishing in his position as a first responder, in the line of duty.  Erin and her sweet children, Tyler and Ava, are part of the hero community as well.  The courage, strength, and grace they exemplified tonight were astonishing.  In my mind I had the preconceived notion that we were paying them a visit to hopefully offer some understanding, empathy, and support.  I was mistaken in thinking that I'd be the one offering the example of resiliency.  Erin was in a league of her own...a gold standard.  Poise, strength, and faith radiated from her beautiful countenance.  It was a true pleasure to learn and be inspired by her.




Ryder, Tyler, Erin, Ava, Shiloh, Juliann, Choice, Tate, and Mary Lou

They welcomed us into their home and we visited over dinner.  We were not only blessed to meet David's spouse and children, but his mother-in-law as well.  Mary Lou was so loving, a real open book.  She gave us a lot of insight into what extended family members may be feeling after such a loss.  When you are the immediate family of the deceased, it is difficult to see the impact their death has on those whom are not as closely related.  I lived for a year or so in complete tunnel vision.  Mary Lou opened my eyes to what I didn't see in my own family members after Andrew's passing.  It appeared that everyone in my life who also knew and loved Andrew, bridled their pain when they were in my presence to avoid further adding to my grief.  I now see that they too must have had their own agony and breakdowns when they retired to the privacy of their own homes.  I am grateful for this powerful insight.  Thank you Mary Lou.
 

Ryder, Juliann, Tate, Shiloh, Choice, and Mary Lou

The kiddos had a great time playing with Ava and Tyler.  It is fun to watch how kids speak the same language, regardless of demographics.  Once they found commonality in video games and the virtual world, they were tuned in to each other's personality and dialect.  Ryder and Tyler bonded quickly and enjoyed playing together. 



Tate, Tyler, Choice, and Ryder





Tate, Tyler, Choice, and Ryder



I was delighted when Ryder shared with me later this evening how special it is to tell other kids whose Daddy's die that they will be okay.  The healing that has taken place in him and the other kids is prevalent in situations such as these.  My heart breaks for David's kids, or any kids who lose a parent.  Their reality will be vastly different from the children who experience a home with two loving parents.  I know that Tyler and Ava will do great things in their life because their spirits were glowing with light and courage.  I had to hold back tears several times when they shared the involvement they cherished most about their Dad in their lives.  David was Tyler's hockey coach and enjoyed watching his son play sports.  And it was apparent by the dear way in which Ava spoke of her Daddy that they had a very tender relationship. 



Ava and Juliann



Ava showed me some of her trophies of which she was very proud.  She has metals and trophies from softball as well as her involvement in classical music competitions.  Both she and Tyler were exceptionally bright and well-behaved.



Ava, Shiloh, and Juliann



Ava showed us a giant teddy bear that had been given to her by the Wildland Firefighting Foundation after her Daddy passed away.  This caused my mind to flood with memories of the charitable acts that were done for the kids and I after Andrew's passing.  After all, these acts of kindness are the very essence of what inspired the tour we are fulfilling currently. I was so grateful to see that the same thoughtfulness continues to spread to tragedies that occur on an ongoing basis.  Each loss is devastating and requires loving kindness and an outpouring of assistance.  God bless those who have been proactive in the recent weeks with the fatalities occurring among the wildland firefighting community.  I encourage you, if you are considering offering your support in any way, that you do what you can to make a difference in the lives of those grieving.  You never know just how large the impact of every small gesture may be to the receiver.  I can only speak for myself, but it is these random acts of generosity and kindness that saved my life.

Ryder, Shiloh, Tate, Tyler, Ava, and Choice

Dinner was fabulous...PIZZA!!! The kids were in heaven.  I was delighted that my kiddos opted to sit outside with Ava and Tyler so I would have a chance to visit openly with Erin.

Erin, Mary Lou, Choice, and Juliann

I certainly do not wish to exclude anyone, or minimize losses in other's lives.  That being said, I have come to believe that first responder and military spouses are endowed with blessings and resiliency to endure immense suffering and extended loneliness.  This may come from the taxing schedule that requires these servicemen and woman to spend so many days away from home.  Or the fact that you have to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for the worst case scenario knowing that they are risking their very lives by putting on that uniform.  Whatever the reason may be, it undoubtedly develops a tough skin on those who walk that road.  I was blown away by the toughness and maturity that is personified by Erin, developed from the many years she supported her sweet husband in his honorable career.

Mary Lou, Erin, Choice, and Juliann

We didn't want to stay too late as Ava and Tyler have started back to school and this was a school night.  I was able to pull my kids away from the great backyard to have them handout their handmade thank-you cards. 



Shiloh, Tate, and Choice

Choice...

Choice's card

Choice's card

Tate...

Tate's card

Tate's card

Shiloh...

Shiloh's card

Shiloh's card

and Ryder...

Ryder's card

Ryder's card

The death of a loved one is one of life’s most difficult experiences, causing intense and frightening emotions, including depression, anger, and guilt. Often, causing family members left behind to feel isolated and alone in their grief.  Having someone to lean on can really help through the grieving process.  Don’t let discomfort prevent you from reaching out to someone grieving. Now, more than ever, your support is needed. You might not know exactly what to say or what to do, but that’s okay. You don’t need to have answers or give advice. The most important thing you can do for a grieving person is to simply be there; your support and caring presence will help him or her cope with the pain and begin to heal.

Hugs and kisses to you Erin, Tyler, Ava, and Mary Lou.  I know David and Andrew were watching over us and smiling at our gathering tonight.  And, I imagine they are having a celebration of their own.  Until we meet again...let's remember to BE BETTER.  Much love!



Ryder, Tyler, Erin, Ava, Shiloh, Juliann, Choice, Tate, and Mary Lou